this week has been a tough one. its hard knowing my sister goes home so soon. the language is hard. theconditions are hard. not being able to express myself is hard. being without my family is hard. being with someone 24/7 (no matter how much i love her) is hard. the different food is hard. it is physically, emotionally, mentally hard. the anxiety is hard. yesterday i packed up all of my stuff, left everything that ive known since ive been here- my ward, my home, the neighborhood, all of rivera and made my way up to montevideo. My president and his wife live in montevideo and for the next few weeks while im trying some different medications for the anxiety, they want to keep a closer eye on me so im going to be working up here for a little while:)
im nervous, im sad, im scared. but before great moments, certainly before great spiritual moments, there can come adversity, opposition, and darkness. life has some of those moments for us, and occasionally they come just as we are approaching an important decision or a significant step in our lives. ive gotten to the point now, that my anxiety is so bad that now, the missionary department is reccomending to go home. but i signed up for this battle. and i refuse to go home without knowing that i absolutely gave it my all. this battle is of such an eternal significance and everlasting consequence. i knew, and know it will be and is a fight. a good fight, but a fight nevertheless.
the past 3 months here have been a fight. but im ready to look ahead. at this particular time in my life im trying to "remember lots wife"
-the story of when the lord told lot and his family to flee because their city was about to be destroyed. the lord said "look not behind thee. escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed" with less than immediate obedience and more than a little negotiation, lot and his family ended up leaving town but just in time before the lord destroyed the city. but even with the lords counsel "look not behind thee" lots wife, looked back. and she was turned into a pillar of salt. she looked back longingly. her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future. while being here its hard not for me to look back to my days at home when the anxiety wasnt a problem. and also hard for me not to look back on the past 3 months and feel like a complete failure because of the anxiety. but from this day forward, i am not going to dwell on the days now gone or yearn for yesterdays. however good or bad those yesterdays may have been. the past is to be learned from but not lived it. "we look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes."
faith is always pointed toward the future. faith always has to do with the blessings and truths and events that have yet to be effectious in our lives. in other words, lots wife did not have faith. she doubted the lords ability to give her something better than she already had. she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind.
"i have stopped rhapsodizing about the good old days and now eagerly look toward the future that i may apprehend that ofr which christ apprehended me"
"this one thing i do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before"
I have come to realize that continually remembering my weaknesses and personal problems is not right. it is not right ot go back and open some ancient wound that the son of god himself died to heal. dismiss the distructive, and keep dismissing it until the beauty of the atonement of christ has revealed to you your bright future and the bright future of your family, your friends, and your neighbors. god doesnt care nearly as much about where you have been as he does where you are, and with his help, where you are willing to go.
i am in montevideo now, with my anxieties, with my weaknesses but without my past. without fear. "be of good cheer, your future is as bright as your faith"
i love you all and thank you for your prayers always<3
xoxo hermana mcewan<2
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| me & wes (everytime i see him i take his earring out of his ear and put it in mine) (i have like 10 earrings from him now) (also have an ear infecction thanks wes) |
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| anakarinas family<3, sweet woman we met with anxiety and depression |
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| got to see bishop and his wife in the montevideo terminal when we arrived because they were on vacation here:) #blessing |
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