Broken Hallelujah

These past four months have been beauty and they have been ashes.

You know every story of every tear. You’ve seen my joy, and you’ve seen my pain. 

But I woke up one day, in a bad way. “the walls gave way, all of the debris and all of the dust, what is left of once was, sorting through what goes and what should stay. Every stone I layed for you because you asked me to.” But what happens now? Because all I’ve made feels torn down. I haven’t felt strong enough to stand.

But the next day, I reached out my hand because I knew there was a reason to believe I’d be ok. I was certain, that he called me, and I heard him. The clouds disappeared, it was all crystal clear. Despite my anxiety, someone loved me. I am still a promise, a heartbeat of god, at times I forget but I know he has not. This is the unmaking. The beauty and the breaking. I had to lose myself, to find out who I am. Only when we are broken we can be made whole. Before each beginning there must be an ending.

I am home now, and I’m taking this time to get well, because I know if I don’t take time now, later on I would still be ill. “In these things be wise, do not run faster than you have strength” (Mosiah 4:27) 

I chose and choose to live in a fallen world where we will be tested and tried again and again. If the bitter cup doesn’t pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead. 

I want to testify that we are infinitely more than our limitations and our afflictions. Even when the dark comes crashing through and we feel like a broken vessel, we must remember that our vessel is in the hands of the divine potter.

all of my love,

hermana mcewan<3

Febrero 9, 2018

My Journal Entry, Febrero 4th

mia-

hey girl, kinda sad i havent written in a while. but basically im living in montevideo, in a companionship of 4. hermana ledesma, ochoa, and tenney. its been fun sharing the city with them. im not going to lie though, its been tough. im still in the same amount of pain. we had church today, it was good to take the sacrament and listen to the hymns. at lunch i had a huge talk with hermana ledesma, and im thinking that writing out all my feelings right now is going to help me. so thats what im going to do. im sitting on my mattress, overlooking the city, feeling the breeze and i cant stop thinking about how bad i want, to want to be here. im scared. i dont want to let people down. so many people have told me i can do this, and i am immensly grateful for it. and the truth is, i know i can do this. but that doesnt mean it doesnt physically, mentally, and emotionally hurt me. its taking a toll on my life. i finally feel like my mother did. i finally understand her, and my love grows for her more, and more every second of the day that im going through this. i want a hug from her. i just want her to hold me. the spiritual experiences ive had, the many things ive learned about myself is undescribably amazing no doubt. i have grown to love my savior so much and i have an everlasting faith in him. if i go home does that mean im not full of faith? i have dedicated myself to this work for the past 4 months. i have worked with my whole heart, might, mind, and strength. i have only gotten this far because of my savior, and lord jesus christ. i love him with my whole heart and find so much joy in learning more about him everyday. 

i think the happiest i have been here is when i talk to hermana galvez. she is incredible. she lost both of her parents and is out on a mission with only the support of her 2 aunts and her grandma. i strive to have her strength. maybe i do. im too hard on myself. president always jokingly gets mad at me because of it. i just want to live up to my fullest potential. i feel so much pressure in this time of my life. im here to become the best wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. do you think i could do that while being at home? i know for a fact there are certain things you learn on the mission that you cant learn any other place. but i know heavenly father is a god of love and fairness. i know he will help me to learn the things he wants me to know in different ways. i just want to be the best woman for my heavenly father and my future husband. am i? i talked to president about my patriarchial blessing. he told me he was going to take it away from me because of how much i study it, try to apply it, and have 100% faith in it. haha. i truly believe president recieves the most revelation for me right now. we read the whole thing up to the point of returning home from my mission, and he said, you do realize you have completed all of these things that it has said already, right? is it so bad that i just want heavenly father to come down and tell me that himself? if i do go home, will i still be a woman of great worth? more precious than rubies? i want that for my heavenly father and husband. i thought i had already made the decision to stay. and i tried so hard to keep that decision. it just hasnt worked out like that. i cant stop thinking about the day i got to go to the montevideo temple. the peace i felt about going home. do you think there is more for me than this? feeling this way all day everyday? i know there is no right or wrong decision. madeline gets home in 2 weeks. she is amazing. i want her to be proud of me. but most importantly my dad. he is my best friend and is the one person that knows me so well. i hope i can be amazing as my mom one day so that i can marry a man as amazing as he is. i know my fututre husband is out there somewhere. preparing for me. i know heavenly father has a plan for me, no matter what happens. i know he loves me and is proud of me for coming this far. for giving these 4 extra months. even though it hasnt been 18 months that still says something about me right? i think too much. i just want to live with no regrets. but also i want to feel like i am living, and alive. live happi.

i have seen all the blessings that have been poured upon me until this point in my life and i could never thank my heavenly father enough. and i hope that he would know that if i did leave, that doesnt mean i love him any less, or that im not so beyond grateful for this time. if it werent for him telling me in my patriarchial blessing that he wants me to be a missionary for him, i wouldnt be here. but i had and have desires to follow his plan for me and to serve him. i know that whether i go home or not, this great cause will continue to go forth, because it says so in my blessing. and i have full faith in that. i know with my whole heart that if i go home, or if i stay, heavenly father will use me as a tool in his hands to change and bless lives. no force in the entire world can stop the work of god. not even anxiety. despite what comes, and what is, this great cause will go forward. and i testify of this with my whole heart, might, mind and strength.

"i have ocassionally wondered why god would instill me in such a strong, righteous desire to be his servant, and then take it away. but if ive learned anything from this experience and dealing with the struggle of mental illness, its that god has a plan for me that is greater and far better than my own. he loves me enough to shape me into the person that he wants me to be. sometimes he takes away what we think we want, to give us what we truly need"

all of my love,
hermana mcewan

Opposition in All Things

hello my dear family and friends:) i didnt have much time this week to respond to anyone but, thank you for all of the emails<3 i always look forward to hearing from you all each week and they always make me smile:)

this week has been a tough one. its hard knowing my sister goes home so soon. the language is hard. theconditions are hard. not being able to express myself is hard. being without my family is hard. being with someone 24/7 (no matter how much i love her) is hard. the different food is hard. it is physically, emotionally, mentally hard. the anxiety is hard. yesterday i packed up all of my stuff, left everything that ive known since ive been here- my ward, my home, the neighborhood, all of rivera and made my way up to montevideo. My president and his wife live in montevideo and for the next few weeks while im trying some different medications for the anxiety, they want to keep a closer eye on me so im going to be working up here for a little while:) 

im nervous, im sad, im scared. but before great moments, certainly before great spiritual moments, there can come adversity, opposition, and darkness. life has some of those moments for us, and occasionally they come just as we are approaching an important decision or a significant step in our lives. ive gotten to the point now, that my anxiety is so bad that now, the missionary department is reccomending to go home. but i signed up for this battle. and i refuse to go home without knowing that i absolutely gave it my all. this battle is of such an eternal significance and everlasting consequence. i knew, and know it will be and is a fight. a good fight, but a fight nevertheless.

the past 3 months here have been a fight. but im ready to look ahead. at this particular time in my life im trying to "remember lots wife"

-the story of when the lord told lot and his family to flee because their city was about to be destroyed. the lord said "look not behind thee. escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed" with less than immediate obedience and more than a little negotiation, lot and his family ended up leaving town but just in time before the lord destroyed the city. but even with the lords counsel "look not behind thee" lots wife, looked back. and she was turned into a pillar of salt. she looked back longingly. her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future. while being here its hard not for me to look back to my days at home when the anxiety wasnt a problem. and also hard for me not to look back on the past 3 months and feel like a complete failure because of the anxiety. but from this day forward, i am not going to dwell on the days now gone or yearn for yesterdays. however good or bad those yesterdays may have been. the past is to be learned from but not lived it. "we look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes." 

faith is always pointed toward the future. faith always has to do with the blessings and truths and events that have yet to be effectious in our lives. in other words, lots wife did not have faith. she doubted the lords ability to give her something better than she already had. she thought that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as what she was leaving behind.

"i have stopped rhapsodizing about the good old days and now eagerly look toward the future that i may apprehend that ofr which christ apprehended me"

"this one thing i do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before"

I have come to realize that continually remembering my weaknesses and personal problems is not right. it is not right ot go back and open some ancient wound that the son of god himself died to heal. dismiss the distructive, and keep dismissing it until the beauty of the atonement of christ has revealed to you your bright future and the bright future of your family, your friends, and your neighbors. god doesnt care nearly as much about where you have been as he does where you are, and with his help, where you are willing to go. 

i am in montevideo now, with my anxieties, with my weaknesses but without my past. without fear. "be of good cheer, your future is as bright as your faith"

i love you all and thank you for your prayers always<3

xoxo hermana mcewan<2

me & wes (everytime i see him i take his earring out of his ear and put it in mine) (i have like 10 earrings from him now) (also have an ear infecction thanks wes)

anakarinas family<3, sweet woman we met with anxiety and depression

got to see bishop and his wife in the montevideo terminal when we arrived because they were on vacation here:) #blessing