hey girl, kinda sad i havent written in a while. but basically im living in montevideo, in a companionship of 4. hermana ledesma, ochoa, and tenney. its been fun sharing the city with them. im not going to lie though, its been tough. im still in the same amount of pain. we had church today, it was good to take the sacrament and listen to the hymns. at lunch i had a huge talk with hermana ledesma, and im thinking that writing out all my feelings right now is going to help me. so thats what im going to do. im sitting on my mattress, overlooking the city, feeling the breeze and i cant stop thinking about how bad i want, to want to be here. im scared. i dont want to let people down. so many people have told me i can do this, and i am immensly grateful for it. and the truth is, i know i can do this. but that doesnt mean it doesnt physically, mentally, and emotionally hurt me. its taking a toll on my life. i finally feel like my mother did. i finally understand her, and my love grows for her more, and more every second of the day that im going through this. i want a hug from her. i just want her to hold me. the spiritual experiences ive had, the many things ive learned about myself is undescribably amazing no doubt. i have grown to love my savior so much and i have an everlasting faith in him. if i go home does that mean im not full of faith? i have dedicated myself to this work for the past 4 months. i have worked with my whole heart, might, mind, and strength. i have only gotten this far because of my savior, and lord jesus christ. i love him with my whole heart and find so much joy in learning more about him everyday.
i think the happiest i have been here is when i talk to hermana galvez. she is incredible. she lost both of her parents and is out on a mission with only the support of her 2 aunts and her grandma. i strive to have her strength. maybe i do. im too hard on myself. president always jokingly gets mad at me because of it. i just want to live up to my fullest potential. i feel so much pressure in this time of my life. im here to become the best wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. do you think i could do that while being at home? i know for a fact there are certain things you learn on the mission that you cant learn any other place. but i know heavenly father is a god of love and fairness. i know he will help me to learn the things he wants me to know in different ways. i just want to be the best woman for my heavenly father and my future husband. am i? i talked to president about my patriarchial blessing. he told me he was going to take it away from me because of how much i study it, try to apply it, and have 100% faith in it. haha. i truly believe president recieves the most revelation for me right now. we read the whole thing up to the point of returning home from my mission, and he said, you do realize you have completed all of these things that it has said already, right? is it so bad that i just want heavenly father to come down and tell me that himself? if i do go home, will i still be a woman of great worth? more precious than rubies? i want that for my heavenly father and husband. i thought i had already made the decision to stay. and i tried so hard to keep that decision. it just hasnt worked out like that. i cant stop thinking about the day i got to go to the montevideo temple. the peace i felt about going home. do you think there is more for me than this? feeling this way all day everyday? i know there is no right or wrong decision. madeline gets home in 2 weeks. she is amazing. i want her to be proud of me. but most importantly my dad. he is my best friend and is the one person that knows me so well. i hope i can be amazing as my mom one day so that i can marry a man as amazing as he is. i know my fututre husband is out there somewhere. preparing for me. i know heavenly father has a plan for me, no matter what happens. i know he loves me and is proud of me for coming this far. for giving these 4 extra months. even though it hasnt been 18 months that still says something about me right? i think too much. i just want to live with no regrets. but also i want to feel like i am living, and alive. live happi.
i have seen all the blessings that have been poured upon me until this point in my life and i could never thank my heavenly father enough. and i hope that he would know that if i did leave, that doesnt mean i love him any less, or that im not so beyond grateful for this time. if it werent for him telling me in my patriarchial blessing that he wants me to be a missionary for him, i wouldnt be here. but i had and have desires to follow his plan for me and to serve him. i know that whether i go home or not, this great cause will continue to go forth, because it says so in my blessing. and i have full faith in that. i know with my whole heart that if i go home, or if i stay, heavenly father will use me as a tool in his hands to change and bless lives. no force in the entire world can stop the work of god. not even anxiety. despite what comes, and what is, this great cause will go forward. and i testify of this with my whole heart, might, mind and strength.
"i have ocassionally wondered why god would instill me in such a strong, righteous desire to be his servant, and then take it away. but if ive learned anything from this experience and dealing with the struggle of mental illness, its that god has a plan for me that is greater and far better than my own. he loves me enough to shape me into the person that he wants me to be. sometimes he takes away what we think we want, to give us what we truly need"
all of my love,
hermana mcewan
hermana mcewan
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